Trapped inside the nicotine-stained skin of a hobo. Looking out at the world with my one good eye, shaking all over from the D.T.’s. Fact is, I woke up in this boxcar this morning, disoriented and smelling of wine coolers. I seem to be in bad need of a shave and my clothes reek of cat litter and axle grease. Strange that just yesterday I was a productive member of society, with family and friends and a home full of hard-earned belongings, all collected with thoughtfulness and kept with care. And my darling Jane, who must be frantic by now, wondering what’s become of me.
I imagine soon there’ll be a missing persons report filed, probably by Jane or my mother. Alas, what good will it do? The police will never suspect that I’ve become prisoner inside a hobo! And even if I went to the authorities, they would take me for a mad, drunken beggar (which, it would seem, is just the problem) and thrash me with their nightsticks. No, I can’t try to contact my loved ones either. With all these teeth missing, I can hardly form words, much less convince a grieving mother that her son is alive and well and riding the rails in another man’s body for kicks. I’ll just have to figure out something more clever…
My God! I’ve just had a terrible thought! What if – no, it’s too much…but supposing that the hobo and I have somehow switched places…oh, what kind of gypsy curse has befallen me!
I can just see him now, the rascal, masquerading around as me, enjoying all the amenities due to me – and Jane! Surely she will realize that it’s not me, that something is horribly wrong, and perhaps she will figure it all out and come looking for me. Oh, but this is all just madness, pure folly! What will the Director of my Department think?
I must get a hold of myself here. I’ve got to focus on the problem at hand. Which isn’t easy with the deafening clatter of the train echoing through this empty freight car.
And there’s this bowel control issue that, frankly, I’m still grappling with. Damn, I’m simply famished! This countryside all looks the same in the dusk-light. Perhaps I’m traveling through Nebraska. Or somewhere in the Great Plains. I’ll simply wait until we stop again and make a beeline for the nearest gas station. I can clean up a little in the bathroom and plot my next move.
And there’s this bowel control issue that, frankly, I’m still grappling with. Damn, I’m simply famished! This countryside all looks the same in the dusk-light. Perhaps I’m traveling through Nebraska. Or somewhere in the Great Plains. I’ll simply wait until we stop again and make a beeline for the nearest gas station. I can clean up a little in the bathroom and plot my next move.
God, do I stink! Ugh, this is unbearable. What a cruel twist of fate. Ah, to be once again in the comfort of my own home, enjoying a bowl of soup or a tuna sandwich by the television! But there seems to be no way just right now…
What time is it? Mmm…I seem to have dozed off for a bit there. Looks like dawn is approaching – oh, shit. I’m still a hobo. Well, this whole thing seems just like a bad dream, but here I am after all. Damn! Now where in blazes could we be? That looks like an oil refinery…oh, Lord, am I hungry! I feel as if I haven’t eaten in days. Maybe there’s something in my pockets…Eureka! Half a candy bar, somewhat melted but still edible. Ah, delicious! I hope that will hold me until I can find a meal. Will I be reduced to panhandling? Me, who works nights and weekends just to gain favor with the Board of Directors? Who earns enough to pay for car insurance and a mortgage?
But if a hobo I am, then a hobo I shall be. At least until I can figure a way out of this catastrophe. Damn derelicts! I can only hope that my worst fears aren’t true – a dirty hobo living in my house, impersonating me! But I must strike the idea from my mind or go mad…
I’ve made up my mind to go home, regardless of the consequences. There’s no other hope. If I can just explain it all somehow, I’m sure…of course, if the hobo has taken control of my body, the whole thing gets a lot trickier. Having gotten the better end of the shuffle, he’ll surely be uncooperative and probably even hostile. But if I can just convince Jane of the truth…oh, good, we’re moving again. Strange, I never realized how easy it was to get around by rail…
This looks to be as good a place as any to get off the tracks. And look, what luck! A couple of quarters there in the dirt. I’ll just scoop those up and…
Oh, I see a road. It’s a highway of some kind, I see a road sign. What’s that? I can hardly see, must be cataracts or something. Seems I’m somewhere in Illinois. Oof! Damn it, how did this wretched hobo manage to get around in these broken-down shoes? Half the sole is completely missing on this one! Well, there’s bound to be a truck stop or something around here, anyway…
Two hours of walking in this heat, and I’ve barely even seen a crow. Nothing out here but bloody corn. Makes me salivate with desire, I’m utterly ravenous. What’s this? Someone’s coming…I’m saved! Hey mister! Slow down! I need some help –
“Watch out, ya lazy bum!” (honks and speeds by)
Well, that was rude! I can’t believe he just drove on by. Of course, I do appear quite the bum, he’s right. I mean, look at these rags I’m wearing. They barely pass as clothes, its indecent.
Thank the gods, there’s a gas station! At least now I can get my bearings –
(two days later)
Mmm…mm, excellent. I do believe that was the best can of kidney beans I’ve ever had. I’m stuffed. Now I’ve got the strength to make it the final lap. Oh, mercy, this is all too much. I’ve been like this for days, but now comes the moment of revelation. We’ll see if I take my cruel fate lying down! And here’s my street. The suspense is going to my head! I hope Jane is at home, I don’t even have a key. There’s my car – a sensible purchase, really. I could have gone with the little two-door roadster. I mean, I make enough money. But the sedan is more respectable, less – flashy. Besides, Jane and I are going to want to raise a family one day…
The lights are on! Now, get a hold of yourself. Think, man! I’ve gone over this a hundred times in my head. But if that dirty beggar is there using my skin to perpetrate unspeakable acts – I’m just going to walk right up to the front door and ring the bell. Caution be damned!
“Who is it?”
That’s Jane! How I’ve missed her voice! Now to carefully explain…good evening, ma’am. This is all going to sound very strange, but – Jane – ma’am, would you kindly open the door so I can explain?
“How did you know my name?”
That’s just it, Jane, there’s been a terrible accident! You see, it’s me! Your loving husband!
“Who’s there, honey?”
Good God! That’s my voice! So, it’s true then, my worst fears realized. Damn the luck! This is a fine mess!
“Excuse me, um – sir – can I help you with something?”
You scoundrel! Don’t pretend you don’t recognize me! You know very well why I’m here.
“Er, honey, may the gentleman and I speak in private? Thank you. No, nothing’s wrong, honey. All right.”
Face to face with myself! Now explain to me what is going on here – how did you get into my skin and leave me like THIS?
“Quiet down! Now, you may think that I’m the one behind this plot, but I assure you I’m just as in the dark as you. I barely kept my mind together for the first day. But now – well, buddy, I didn’t cause this to happen, but I sure do like the way the chips have fallen. So I think it’s time for you to beat it. Here, take twenty bucks and go.”
How dare you! Why, I should box your ears – but those are my ears, damn it! And I want them back!
“Listen to me carefully: you are a bum. A drunk, dirty, stinkin’ bum. So don’t make no trouble for me or I’ll have you locked up. The vagrancy laws out here in the suburbs are very specific. Believe me, I know. Now, as long as I’m you and you’re me, let’s make the best of it. Who knows, maybe we’ll be switched back when we wake up tomorrow. Or maybe not. Either way, now is now, so get lost. I mean it, pal!
(door slams)
The brute! Now what will I do! He’s usurped me completely, damn him. This is an evil day for me, Lord. And I’m getting light headed from my own pungency. I could really use a drink right now…well, I DO have a twenty dollar bill…
Well – this is it. I’m a hobo and there’s nothing, absolutely nothing I can do about it. Over a week now. Waiting. If only I were more clever! There must be a way of taking back my life, my identity. But how? Oh, woe is me (hiccups)…oh, now the wine is gone. And I have no more money. This is no kind of life for a grown man! Yet there’s nothing else for me.
Thank heavens! There’s the Union Pacific coming down track two. She’s early tonight, that’s certainly rare. And she’s going no more than ten, maybe fifteen, miles an hour. Perfect for hopping, I daresay. I don’t know what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go, but I’m sure I’ll think of something…yes, that railcar looks just right! I just hope there’s no one already squatting in there, I hate sharing…
(races after the train, carrying his bindle under his arm) –
FIN>
Copyright 2010
E.W. Borg
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